A little over two months ago, when my blog hit its ten year anniversary, I had this overwhelming sense of failure. In those ten years, I went from 278 pounds down to 175 pounds (a loss of 103 pounds) and then back up again, slowly and gradually over the last seven years, to a bit over 250 pounds. It wasn't without work, either. If you've been a blog reader for long, you know I have tried and lost and gained and done everything from Whole 30 to AIP to carb counting to biking across America over those last seven years, but still, as my Weight by Year page shows, I steadily gained about 15 pounds every year until 2015, when I *lost* about 15 pounds. But I sure made up for it in 2016, going from 229 pounds to 260, a one-year gain of 31 pounds. Honestly, it has really sucked.
Least year on my 9 year bloggiversary I was SO determined to get the weight off once and for all. But that didn't happen and one year later (this August) I was a bit over 250 pounds. That's when I left. I swore I would not write again unless and until I got under 240 pounds.
And then I kept gaining.
You know me. I had no accountability. I let go and ate whatever. I went to the fair and had lemonade and a cheese steak and beer battered fries and a caramel apple. "But hey, I didn't eat an elephant ear or any ice cream!" I dunno, I guess I just felt like ten years is enough and maybe I just should be who I am. And by August 26th, I weighed 258 pounds. And then I looked in the mirror and thought, this is NOT just who I am. This is not who I am at all. This is not a lifestyle I can be happy in. It makes me UNhappy and I just feel crappy.
I guess in a way I wondered: if I have NO ONE following me, no one watching what I eat or how much I exercise... no one waiting to hear how I did this month or what my weight is... then maybe I could feel happy and free and not guilty for just eating what I want and being who I am. So I figured it was time to close up the blog. Stop with the audience. Just be.
But it didn't work that way. Even with NO plans to ever come back here and report anything, or give any update online anywhere, I found myself not comfortable at a heavier weight. I was not getting a sense of excitement and pleasure from my food like I used to a decade ago when I would binge. Somehow, even the stuff I *did* eat that I knew was not really good for me did not taste that good. Not like I remembered. My son bought donuts and with NO guilt I picked one and started to eat it, but it just felt gross. I didn't even want it. No one was judging, looking, or hearing confessions and yet I did not want it. And when my pants got so tight I could no longer wear them, and when not only my knees but my hips started clicking and hurting when I walked, I came to the conclusion on my own that this is not me. It's not what I want, even if nobody is watching and nobody is judging.
I went to the doctor near the end of August... the endocrinologist, actually. I went to her for a regular checkup on my blood sugar (which was fine), and as always they weighed me and jotted down the gain, but said nothing. I decided to bring it up myself. I said, "I am really uncomfortable at this weight. I have done xyz and have not lost weight. Even going back on thyroid medication did not have any effect on either my weight nor my energy level. What should I do?" And she looked at me and said, "Well, you're right. You do need to lose weight if you want to keep your health. So I think I would recommend phentermine."
Um, NO. I told her about how that drug could raise my blood pressure... and she said "it might, but being obese is worse for your blood pressure and your heart, so you could try phentermine and we would monitor your blood pressure." Um, NO. I did not want to use drugs to lose weight. Remember back in 2012 when I wrote this post: Here, Have a Diet Pill? My primary doctor had recommended Adipex (phentermine) then, too. So I objected again this time... but the doctor persisted. She said that it was a very old and safe drug, *except* when combined with another drug back in the Phen-fen days. Alone, she said, this could really help me get some weight off. And once I get some weight off, I'd have more energy and motivation to lose the rest... without phentermine.
Believe it or not, I agreed to try it. She had me start on a half dose (half of a 37.5 mg tablet) and then after a few days I went up to half in the morning and half after lunch. And from August 26th to September 26th, I went from 258 pounds to 241... a loss of 17 pounds. I have *never* lost 17 pounds in a month before. Ever.
Well now it is October 9th. It took almost two weeks to drop another 2 pounds (I had an unusually long, 11 day plateau at 240 pounds. Psychological? Body needed a break?) and today I finally hit 239. Nineteen pounds gone so far, and still going. My blood pressure is better than it was before phentermine. My doctor said I could take phentermine for about 3 months, and then it would lose its effectiveness. I am taking advantage of the next month and a half and getting off as much weight as I can.
Thanks for sticking around, and checking in to see how I'm doing! I am definitely back.
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