Saturday, December 31, 2016
Top 16 of 2016
This year has been kind of odd for me. I've had no motivation to write on my blog this month, for some reason, but I've done a post on New Year's Eve every year; and I'd hate to skip one. It started with the "Top 11 of 2011", and then the "Top 12 of 2012"... and so on. Usually, I start each post wondering if I'll be able to come up with that many noteworthy events, but by the end of the post, I feel good about all the things I accomplished or experienced and had forgotten about.
This year feels the same. I haven't even started going through the pictures of the year to begin this post, so I'm not sure how I'll feel by the end of it! This year has just been so odd (for lack of a better word). So, here we go... my Top 16 of 2016.
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What I Learned about Politeness at a Korean Flower Shop
You're reading What I Learned about Politeness at a Korean Flower Shop, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you're enjoying this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.
Why was this an issue?
I’m used to expressing politeness by using the word, “Please,” or excessively apologizing like the good Canadian boy I am. But in Korea I’m often at a loss because there’s no real word for “Please” in Korean, and if you say “Sorry” without having actually done anything to apologize for, you just seem strange and silly. Instead, politeness in Korean is expressed using different word endings. There are essentially three levels—casual, everyday formal, and super formal—and in each level you would end the last word of your sentence in a different way. It’s a little confusing, but for the sake of this story all you need to know is that using “Uh” to say “Yes” is something you would do only when speaking to someone younger than you or someone who you know very well. You would use a different word to say “Yes” in more formal situations.The other week I went to a flower shop.
There was an old Korean couple inside sitting behind the register. They were eating noodles together silently. I smiled, said hello, and began browsing the flower display. The old lady rose from her seat and asked me in Korean if I’d like to buy the bouqet that I was looking at. “Uh,” I said, without noticing. She began preparing the flowers. As she did I noticed a sour look on her husband’s face as he sucked up a few noodles from his bowl. “Would you like to pay by card?” she asked me. “Uh.” I smiled and handed her my card. Now her face looked sour too. I tried making small talk with them in Korean—something I’ve found usually delights the elderly couples here as they watch me struggle to form sentences. This time, however, I barely received a response. I sensed something was wrong. “Would you like a receipt?” she asked in a tone that seemed rather harsh. “Uh,” I said. She gave me the receipt and sat back down without thanking me or saying goodbye. I eventually figured it out as I replayed the scene in my head on the walk home. Worst of all was that I had no idea how many times I’d done the same thing to others; I imagined the number to be high. I consider myself to be a reasonably polite person, yet here I was in Korea, walking around grunting “Uh” at elders like an asshole.Politeness is often one of the first things lost in translation, as it turns out.
So the next time you see a foreigner acting in a way that seems rude in your own country, perhaps they’ve just misunderstood some of the dos and don’ts of your culture. Maybe they really do mean well and are just confused about how to express their good intentions. Maybe they aren’t accustomed to all of the strange things we do that seem normal to us. …Or maybe that particular person really just is a dick. Who knows. ;)My name is Jacob. I'm fascinated by all of the strange things we often tell ourselves that prevent us from doing what we want to do in life. Soon-to-be blogger at pooroldme.com Check me out here.
You've read What I Learned about Politeness at a Korean Flower Shop, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you've enjoyed this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.
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LIAM 304 – Resolve to Feel Good!
The word “resolve” means: decide firmly on a course of action. Most people make New Year resolutions, set goals, and decide firmly on a course of action to keep the resolution or achieve the goal. However, almost everyone sets a goal to have or do something that is physical and outside of themselves. Most people set their focus on the wrong thing. Most people think they want money, health, or relationships, but that’s not what they really want. What we really want is the feeling that having those things will produce. What we really want in any given moment is to feel good. Let’s let feeling good be our goal. Let us resolve, every day, to feel good! Listen as I explain:
Listen on iTunes or Listen to/download this episode here:
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Mentioned in this show:
- Join Bruce’s Mastermind Group
- Worry No More! book
- Download: Affirmations for Abundant Living
- LIAM Team Life Coaching Community
Subscription/Social Links:
- Subscribe on iTunes!
- Subscribe on Stitcher Radio!
- Watch on YouTube!
- LIAM on Twitter: @LifeIs262
- LIAM on Facebook / LifeIsAMarathon
- Subscribe to the LIAM Mailing List
- www.BruceVanHorn.com
- Bruce Van Horn on Twitter
- Bruce Van Horn on Facebook
The post LIAM 304 – Resolve to Feel Good! appeared first on Life Is A Marathon : Life Coaching | Self-Esteem | Personal Development | Personal Branding | Positive Thinking | Community.
Self Esteem Feeds
Melody lost 96 pounds
Transformation of the Day: Melody lost 96 pounds. She realized that she had to commit to permanent change to get lasting results. Intense cardio, weight training and low carb, high fat Keto eating has helped her to transform this year. Check out her story. I began my journey 5 years ago. I lost weight two […]
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Friday, December 30, 2016
Want to Keep a New Year’s Resolution? How to Make It Right for YOU.
Many people make New Year’s resolutions, and many people get frustrated and abandon their New Year’s resolutions.
A common mistake? Setting up the resolution in the wrong way. We think we “should be able to” do it first thing in the morning, or we think we should imitate a resolution that works well for someone else.
But there’s no one, correct way. It’s just whatever works for us.
I know this, because I used to try to indulge moderately in sweets — but I’m an Abstainer. And I used to try to do difficult writing in the afternoon — but I’m a Lark. And I use to hold myself back from buying too much at one time — but I’m an Under-buyer. Etc. Now that I set up resolutions to suit my nature, I succeed much more often.
As you set up your resolutions, be sure to consider these distinctions, as outlined in the “Strategy of Distinctions” in my book Better Than Before, which is all about the multiple strategies we can exploit to change our habits.
Before you decide on the resolution you’ll make, consider…
–are you a Marathoner or Sprinter?
–are you a Simplcity-lover or Abundance-lover?
–are you a Finisher or Opener?
–are you an Abstainer or Moderator?
-are you an Under-buyer or Over-buyer?
As you’re thinking about these distinctions, it can be helpful to ask, “When have I succeeded with this resolution in the past?” If there was a time when you exercised regularly, cooked frequently, got enough sleep, etc., that might hold clues for how you might be able to do a better job in the present.
When we know ourselves, we can set up a resolution in the way that’s right for us. It’s not that hard to keep our resolutions, and to change our habits — when we know what to do.
The post Want to Keep a New Year’s Resolution? How to Make It Right for YOU. appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
Self Help Gurus etc
Article : Getting clarity in the uncertainty of life
Can we blame delicious food for our holiday weight gain?
Good-tasting food causes us to overeat and consequently gain weight; at least that's the commonly held belief. Will research back up this theory?
Article : The only thing to be certain about is, your future is uncertain
Article : The only thing to be certain about is, your future is uncertain
Mignon lost 100 pounds
Transformation of the Day: Mignon lost 100 pounds. This mom is just trying to be health and fit. When a friend who is a personal trainer offered her a free assessment, she pushed fear aside and hasn’t looked back. She shared with us how she changed her eating habits and embraced strength training to get […]
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Video : ‘The Big Picture’ for coaching - Carmen Bostic St. Clair
Runners may have superior brain connectivity, study finds
Endurance runners' brains have been shown to have greater functional connectivity in several areas, compared with people who are less active.
Thursday, December 29, 2016
5 Productivity Tools That Will Make You a Millennial Time-Lord
You're reading 5 Productivity Tools That Will Make You a Millennial Time-Lord, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you're enjoying this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.
- Rid of waste
- Power-up work
- Unroll.me – I found this tool a couple of months ago. Simply download the app, add your email and swipe you subscriptions as if it were tinder. I deleted 700 subscriptions in half an hour and that means no more spam emails that I don’t care about. I now don’t spend 10-20 minutes every morning deleting annoying emails. Remember, that’s 200-400 days I’m saving over my life! On a serious note, this is a great product and couldn't be thankful enough for the amount of time they have saved me. Get rid of those pesky spam emails!
- GetGistly - Fed up of going through 300 page books to hear the same thing repeated again and again? This tool provides audio and text summaries for the best entrepreneurial books so you can listen or read in 15 minutes. I can't wait for this product to launch so you guys can see how cool it is! I've been invited to their early adopters program and already love the app.
- StayFocusd – A Google Chrome extension that blocks you from accessing time wasting sites e.g. Facebook or Twitter. We all know how simple it can be to type in “fa” and then click enter or how easy it can be to sit back, open Instagram and submerge in user content. This tool will destroy your instincts and stop you in your tracks.
- Skimm – this service sends a newsletter that gives you the lowdown on current affairs. Rather than browsing through your boring news outlets, just get sent the most salient news in your inbox every day. Skimm has gathered a great following and even received funding, so it's becoming more and more popular every day! Oh and, if you don't like reading the news, this will get you in to the habit so you can talk the talk with the wisecrack political expert at your college re-union!
- Instagress – Personal brand equity is becoming more and more important everyday. Instagram gives you the platform to grow this personal brand but managing a social account can take a ton of time. This is why Instagress is super-useful! The tool automates your Instagram growth by commenting, following and liking under hashtags relevant to your niche.
You've read 5 Productivity Tools That Will Make You a Millennial Time-Lord, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you've enjoyed this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.
Self Help Gurus etc
LIAM 303 – Let’s Talk About Self-Harm
Today we are going to discuss an uncomfortable topic that very much needs to be talked about. We are going to talk about self-harm, cutting specifically. This topic was suggested to me by a 17-year-old girl who listens to the show and asked me to talk about it since this is an issue with which she struggles. First, I’m so thankful for her bravery to reach out to me and her willingness to answer some very specific questions I had about cutting and why she does it. My hope is that, by listening to this episode, you will find comfort if this is something you deal with, or it will bring a greater awareness to you so that you’ll notice the signs that someone you love is struggling with this issue. Listen as I explain:
Listen on iTunes or Listen to/download this episode here:
Love the show? Click here to Tweet a shoutout!
Want to sponsor episodes of the LIAM podcast? Click here.
Mentioned in this show:
- Join Bruce’s Mastermind Group
- Worry No More! book
- Download: Affirmations for Abundant Living
- LIAM Team Life Coaching Community
Subscription/Social Links:
- Subscribe on iTunes!
- Subscribe on Stitcher Radio!
- Watch on YouTube!
- LIAM on Twitter: @LifeIs262
- LIAM on Facebook / LifeIsAMarathon
- Subscribe to the LIAM Mailing List
- www.BruceVanHorn.com
- Bruce Van Horn on Twitter
- Bruce Van Horn on Facebook
The post LIAM 303 – Let’s Talk About Self-Harm appeared first on Life Is A Marathon : Life Coaching | Self-Esteem | Personal Development | Personal Branding | Positive Thinking | Community.
Self Esteem Feeds
9 Tips if You’re Making Work-Related New Year’s Resolutions.
The new year is here, and for many of us, that means new year’s resolutions. And many of us make resolutions related to our work lives.
Now Questioners, I know you object to the arbitrariness of the January 1 date; Obligers, I know you may have given up making resolutions because you’ve struggled in the past; and Rebels, I know you may not want to bind yourself in advance. But some people do want to make resolutions. (Don’t know where you fit in the “Four Tendencies” framework, i.e., if you’re an Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel? Look here.)
For instance, some common work-related resolutions include “I want to broaden my horizons,” “I want to do a better job with record-keeping,” “I want to network,” “I want to find a mentor,” and “I want to expand my skills.”
One key to consistent progress is to make a behavior into a habit. Habits are freeing and energizing, because they save us from the difficult, draining business of making decisions and exercising our self-control.
Habits matter, because research shows that about 40% of everyday life is shaped by habits. If we have habits that work for us, we’re far more likely to be happier, healthier, and more productive.
In my book Better Than Before, I discuss the twenty-one different strategies that we can use to make or break our habits. I know, twenty-one sounds like a lot to manage — but it’s helpful that there are so many, because some of these strategies work for some people, and not others. But we all have a big menu from which to pick.
So how might you make a habit of actions that will help you succeed at work? Consider these strategies:
1. Use the Strategy of Clarity, and be specific about what you’re asking of yourself.
Resolutions like “network more” or “research new opportunities” are too vague. Put your resolution into the form of a concrete, measurable, manageable action, such as “Every month, go to at least two events with networking opportunities” or “Spend one hour every Friday afternoon updating my time sheets and expenses.” Being specific helps you figure out what to do, and it also makes it possible to…
2. Use the Strategy of Monitoring, and monitor your habit.
Monitoring is almost uncanny in its power. Research shows that simply by monitoring a behavior, we tend to do a much better job of it, whether that’s how fast we’re driving, how much we’re eating, how many cold calls we’re making, or how many instructional videos we’re watching. Keep track, and you’ll push yourself in the right direction.
3. Use the Strategy of Scheduling, and schedule time for your habit.
Something like “Research that company this week” is a goal that can keep getting pushed to the bottom of the to-do list. Even if it’s important, it’s just not urgent. So schedule a specific time for research, for learning, for following up, and give it a slot on your calendar. But it’s crucial to remember that…
4. Working is one of the most dangerous forms of procrastination.
When you schedule time to do certain work, you should do that work, and nothing else. No filing, no cleaning, no research, no checking emails. Do that work, or stare at the ceiling. Otherwise, you may work and work and work, and never get around to doing the very thing you set out to do.
5. Use the Strategy of Distinctions, and take time to think big.
In the rigors of everyday life, it can be hard to step back and see what matters most. Where do you want to be in two years? How could you develop your skills to make your work more interesting and yourself more valuable? Some people prefer to do this kind of thinking alone, with just a pad of paper; others prefer to talk it out, with a few trusted co-workers or an old friend; others might hire a coach. Or…
6. Use the Strategy of Distinctions, and take time to think small.
Sometimes people get overwhelmed when they try to make grand plans or ask huge questions; it’s also useful to focus on small, manageable steps that you can incorporate into your life immediately.
7. Use the Strategy of Clarity, and ask yourself: Whom do you envy?
Envy is an uncomfortable emotion, but it’s instructive. If you envy someone, that person has something you wish you had. Do you envy your friend who gets to travel all the time—or the friend who never has to travel? Do you envy your co-worker who’s taking night class toward getting an MBA, or who gets to make lots of presentations? Envy can help show us how we want to grow and change.
8. Use the Strategy of Other People, and spend time with people who have the habits that you want to emulate.
Studies show that we tend to pick up habits from the people around us, so choose your company wisely. If you know that some of your co-workers cultivate habits that help them succeed at work, go out of your way to spend time with them, and you’ll more easily pick up those habits, yourself.
9. Use the Strategy of the Four Tendencies and the Strategy of Accountability, if it works for you.
If you’re an Obliger — that is, if you readily meet other people’s expectations, but struggle to meet your expectations for yourself — the answer, the solution, the key element is external accountability. Rebels, on the other hand, often do worse when they’re being held accountable. Figure out your Tendency and plug in accountability as necessary.
The most important thing to remember about habit change? We must shape our habits to suit ourselves—our own nature, our own interests, our own strengths. When we understand ourselves, we can apply the twenty-one strategies with the greatest success, and we can also help other people to change their habits.
It’s not hard to change your habits, when you know what to do. And it matters. When we change our habits, we change our lives.
The post 9 Tips if You’re Making Work-Related New Year’s Resolutions. appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
Self Help Gurus etc
Video : An outline for coaching - Carmen Bostic St. Clair
Ebony lost 133 pounds
Transformation of the Day: Ebony lost 133 pounds. This mom was struggling with pain, kidney issues, high blood pressure and sleep apnea. She opted to have the gastric sleeve surgery and it changed her life. Now she’s able to do things she couldn’t do before she took control of health. Check out her story. I started my […]
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
How Art Affects the Development of Intelligence
You're reading How Art Affects the Development of Intelligence, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you're enjoying this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.
Importance of Art Education
Due to music and various images, it becomes easier to make kids become more interested in the studying process. No one would ever try doing something if he is not interested in it. And art works perfectly in such a case. According to the observations, it’s known that children become very happy when hearing the sound of music they play with their own hands. The most important is to be occupied in art each day. If you start playing the piano, you would do a progress, when doing it day by day. The same with painting. A continuous occupation with art leads to the development of confidence and self-assurance. Once your child starts being engaged in painting or playing music and does it daily, he would gradually become more confident about this world.Why are Habits so Important?
Habits are equal to success. No matter what you do, the result would always depend on your habits. There are many children, who achieve aims by their own efforts, others believe in luck and some do it day by day, developing habits. In fact, the last are one of the most successful, because if you once formed a habit, changing it becomes a real challenge further. Art is one of the best ways to make children more creative. Creativity is one of the key moments of developing a child’s intelligence. In fact, focusing on scores at college is not enough. That’s why it’s very important for parents to understand how art is significant in the life of their children.Why is Art So Important?
Art offers a lot of intrinsic and extrinsic benefits to the development of any child. Intrinsic benefits include:- Creativity;
- Imagination;
- A chance to experience beauty and joy.
- Better engagement in the process of learning;
- Better metacognition;
- Enhanced self-confidence;
- Developed social skills.
How Music Affects a Child’s Brain?
All of us know about Mozart effect. Don’t you know? It’s a notion, which describes the process of listening to Mozart music, at the same time increasing your intelligence. According to a number of experiments, it was found out that many people got a lot of visual-spatial skills improvements when listening to this kind of music. However, it’s not yet clear whether the passive listening may contribute to the development of intelligence. But what about becoming active in this kind of occupation? The researchers say that being engaged in music is able to change the course of the whole brain. There is evidence that certain music play can easily improve working memory, self-regulation, and even self-confidence. In fact, everyone can stimulate his brain, because art is accessible to all of us. If you lack self-esteem, arts will certainly help you developing it. Moreover, it will increase the levels of dopamine, a neurotransmitter, which is responsible for good mood and motivation. It would also contribute to better concentration, drive and focus. Due to art lesson benefits in childhood, one can further benefit from them in adulthood. Art benefits include:- Increased brain plasticity;
- Better fluid intelligence;
- Higher IQ;
- Better attention span;
- Improves overall behavior;
- Reduces impulsiveness.
- They won more academic awards;
- Received more community service awards;
- Got higher SAR results.
Art – Brain Food?
In fact, art is a brain food. For example, if you start playing the piano, it will help developing your coordination, reaction, social participation. Telling the truth, it’s not obligatory to be professional in some kind of art to get cognitive benefits from it. If you even have the slightest exposure to art, it will certainly make you smart. Due to it, we start thinking critically, which simultaneously increases our intelligence. It’s not enough to take a brush into one’s hands- before creating a painting you should give yourself a thousand of questions. Of course, it requires time and efforts, but the result is worth that. Author bio: Alexandra Foster is an ex-English teacher who helps parents/students and organizations with educational planning. She is a tech savvy, who loves education and technology, that makes studying process more convenient and collaborative. Currently working with Noplag.com team as a consultant."You've read How Art Affects the Development of Intelligence, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you've enjoyed this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.
Self Help Gurus etc
21 Day Change Your Mindset Challenge
Note: The printable calendar for this challenge will be released on Dec 29th in the afternoon. Check your inbox if you are on our email list. “Change Your Mind, Change Your Life.” We’ve all heard this saying, but how does it figure into weight loss? Your mindset, your state of mind, is extremely important when […]
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Leslie lost 35 pounds
Leslie lost 35 pounds. When she was diagnosed with diabetes, but told her doctor to give a 6 months to change her life. She wanted to be happy with what she saw in mirror and have energy to be more active. Changing her eating habits made all the difference. Check out her story. My name is Leslie […]
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Nesting Experience, Contradiction, and Other Exceptions to the Meta Pattern
A Response to Shawn Carlson’s blog post Patterns Within Patterns
I’d like to start by completely agreeing with Shawn’s description of a lovely piece of reorienting in time that can be used to consolidate any change, however made: “An additional temporal step is added by inviting the client to step into the future and, looking back, see the changes she has made within the ‘past-future’ visible from the farther future, “step into the future, and looking back toward now, realize how far this change has taken you.”
However, this great process doesn’t appear to me to fit the steps of the Meta Pattern, which assumes integration (“collapsing”) anchors, rather than some other way of combining experiences, such as chaining. The beginning state is a solution state, rather than a problem state, so when you ask a client to “step into the future,” that dissociates from a solution, and associates into a “farther future” that is a resource in itself, (rather than simply a “break state” from which to choose a resource state). While associated into this farther future, the client views scenarios from the intervening time (the past from the point of view of being associated into the farther future).
This process is an example of a general pattern that Erickson called “reorientation in time.” It is also an example of nesting one experience inside another one, rather than integrating two experiences, or chaining them together sequentially in time. It is structurally identical to the phobia cure, in which the client associates into the movie theater, and nested within that dissociates from the past phobic memory. It’s also an example of utilization. If someone has a phobia, we know that they are skilled at associating into a memory, so we ask them to associate into the movie theater visualization to provide a context for dissociating from the troubling memory. This nesting of experiences is a different experiential process (there are others) that doesn’t fit the steps of the Meta Pattern.
I’m getting a little tired of playing “whac-a-mole” responding to misrepresentations of what I have written. For instance, Shawn writes, “This is exactly a formulation of the HNLP Meta Pattern (so I am a little surprised that Steve is arguing there is no such thing!).”
I never said there is “no such thing”; if that were true, we wouldn’t be able to talk about it! What I said was that this meta-pattern was a useful, but somewhat crude early generalization, with a lot of exceptions. Connirae’s and my statement from Change Your Mind (1987) starts with. “One very broad general formulation of change work . . .” The word “One” clearly implies that there are others, and stating that it was “very broad and general” indicates that it lacks a lot of detail, and likely has exceptions or counterexamples. It was also written 30 years ago; luckily we know more now than we knew then.
What I disagree with is Shawn’s statement that, “Perhaps if I demonstrate how the Meta Pattern is the basis of all change work enough times, the universal truth of the Meta Pattern will become unarguable!”
There are a number of problems with this statement. First, it’s not possible to prove universality by providing “enough examples.” [just as Finding 100,000 apples, or even a million apples, wouldn’t “prove” that other types of fruit don’t exist — and I have already provided some oranges and bananas. The Meta Pattern is useful, but there are many significant examples of change work that don’t fit the Meta-Pattern.
Setting aside the question of whether or not there is any such thing as “universal truth,” let’s take a look at Shawn’s description of the visual squash, which he presents as an example of the Meta Pattern:
“Similarly, in the visual squash, you separate and externalize the parts that are creating the inner conflict. You place one as an image on the client’s left hand and the other on their right. We are now at step 2 of the Meta Pattern, we have dissociated the client from their problem (the internal conflict).” I agree with Shawn fully up to this point.
Shawn goes on to write: “On to step three of the Meta Pattern, associating into the resource. First let’s help your client to find the appropriate resource. We do this by chunking up on the ‘intentions’ of each part until we find a shared value, or at least values that sufficiently overlap. This shared valued is the resource. At the same time we build rapport between the parts by asking what each can learn from the other.”
It’s important to realize that the intention of each part — as well as any shared intention — is still dissociated, not associated. The two parts (and their intentions) are still represented as separate images in the two hands, and also separate from the client.
Shawn follows with, “We then associate the client into this resource, typically by internalizing it “bring that back inside your body.” Shawn has omitted a very crucial step, namely bringing the two hands, and their associated images together to “collapse” them, before bringing the resulting integrated image into the body. The Meta Pattern specifies “collapsing” two associated states (problem and resource). But in the visual squash, two dissociated images are “collapsed,” followed by association.
Furthermore, neither image in the visual squash is either a problem state or a resource state. Neither one is a problem in itself, the problem is the conflict between the two. The resource is the result of combining them.
In the discussion above, and in previous posts, I have set forth my understanding of the Meta Pattern, and Shawn has set forth his. Readers will need to come to their own conclusions.
Shawn writes, “In collapsing anchors, as Steve rightly says, there have to be two states or two anchors to collapse. Steve then for some reason says that this requirement is not included in the Meta Pattern; this is incorrect.”
In the Meta Pattern diagram there is no mention of any anchoring — none whatsoever. There is also no mention of a cue for the problem state, or the context of the problem state. This kind of omission is inevitable in any vague general outline that purports to be universal. I prefer more detail and specific steps, to be sure that nothing essential is left out.
One of the sources of much of my disagreements with Shawn is that we are describing very different levels of detail. This can be illustrated by different responses to the question, “Where is Times Square?” One answer is, “It’s in North America.” Another is, “It’s in Midtown Manhattan, New York City, at the junction of Broadway and Seventh Avenue.” Both answers are true, but the second provides much more specific and detailed information.
A car that is running poorly could be described as being in a very bad “state,” but that wouldn’t indicate much about how to fix the problem. A good mechanic might be able to listen to it and determine that it only needs a small adjustment in timing. Likewise, someone’s “problem state” is a very general description, while “see a movie of yourself in that situation” is a very specific small intervention — a change in point of view that leaves all the other aspects of a “problem state” (content, sounds, context, etc.) undisturbed.
When talking about general states it is easy to ignore differences, and see similarities. I keep making distinctions, and Shawn keeps saying they aren’t important, and that they all fit the Meta Pattern, which is based on integration of a resource with a problem state.
One principle that I have found very useful in making changes (whether in NLP or in other contexts) is to make the smallest change necessary to get the desired outcome. There are at least two important reasons for this. One is that it is much easier to make a small adjustment, such as point of view, the location of an image, or in some other submodality. As Milton Erickson said, “Your task is that of adjusting, not abolishing.” The other reason is that a small adjustment is much less likely to interfere with the rest of the client’s functioning than a large one — what is usually called “ecology” but which would be more accurately called congruence.
For instance, imagine that you notice some irregularities and palpitations in the beating of your heart, so you consult a doctor. After she listens to your heart, takes an EKG, and asks a few questions, she says, “Well, some simple life-style changes will resolve those symptoms, but a heart transplant would also work.” I hope it’s obvious that a heart transplant would be a lot more difficult, and have significantly more risk of problematic consequences. Unfortunately working with “states” (especially ones like “awesomely confident”) is a lot more like a heart transplant, changing much more than is necessary or useful.
Shawn writes that, “The problem and resource then ‘duke it out’ within the client’s physiology. This is repeated until the resource state (or a resource state) emerges the winner.” That is a description of what happens if you integrate two very different “large chunk” states, an indication of trying to make a “heart transplant” type of change, in contrast to a small adjustment. Unfortunately a client’s responses to a “heart transplant” change is often quite intense, leading both client and therapist to be unduly impressed, rather than realize it’s only a result of sloppy work. Years ago, a boss I had frequently said, “Do not confuse motion with progress.” The best changes don’t usually involve pyrotechnics; they are usually exemplified by the classic, “Hmn, I never thought about it that way.”
The idea that states have to “duke it out” until one “emerges a winner” usually results from thinking about the emotional intensity of a state, rather than its appropriateness for the problem. This leads to an assumption that I have called a “the mathematical fallacy of states”: that if you have a negative state rated at a 7, you need a positive state rated at least 7 or 8 to “overcome” it.
This is obviously false in the case of the phobia process. A phobia is a very emotionally intense state, let’s say somewhere in the range of 7-10; Dissociation is a much less intense state, perhaps somewhere in the range of 1-3. There is no “duking it out,” nor any “winner” when using the phobia process; there is no conflict at all. The change in point of view is a specific and precise adjustment that is makes it easy to view a troubling memory comfortably.
Shawn follows with, “The Meta Pattern is then repeated on an iterative basis by running the client through other triggers, and other contexts, until the client is not able to identify any more examples of the problem. This is typically fairly quick as the brain is an amazing generalization-machine!”
Yes, the brain is an amazing generalization machine, and you can do change work by repeating the same change on different contents and contexts to help it generalize, a Shawn describes. However, it is far easier and simpler to begin by asking the client to choose the most intense example of a problem response. This is identifying what cognitive linguists call a “prototype” experience that represents the entire category of problem experiences. If you do this before intervening, a change in the prototype will automatically generalize to all the other examples, in a kind of “domino” effect, so you only have to do the change once, which is more efficient. Of course it’s important to check other examples to make sure that generalization has occurred, but you don’t have to keep repeating the change work. Checking three different past examples, followed by three future examples, is usually sufficient to confirm generalization.
Shawn goes on to write, “By the way, when this happens the Meta-Pattern-TOTE-strategy ends (to quickly address another of Steve’s objections).” I assume that is how Shawn works; my objection (yet again) is that there is no mention in the Meta Pattern diagram of a TOTE, an exit, or a criterion for stopping. The arrows go around clockwise between the four circles, and Shawn has emphasized that you can start anywhere on the circle.
Shawn writes, “I agree with Steve that dissociation is part of the resource state for a phobia.” Again that is not what I wrote; I wrote that dissociation is the resource state (not “part” of it). The “laughter; and ‘safe-to-safe’ experience” that Shawn mentions are embellishments (and there are many others) that be used to support dissociation, but they aren’t usually required.
Finally, I completely disagree with Shawn’s statement that, “Steve’s modal collapse, ‘How is it possible that you should be able to do something you can’t do?’ is an example of what Robert Dilts calls ‘apply to self.’ ” I’m pretty sure Robert would agree with me, and I would think that John Overdurf might also agree. Can you send this section to John and ask him if he would be willing to comment?
The sentences, “I can’t do it” and “I should do it” both apply to the self of the person speaking, but neither refers to the sentence itself, which is what the phrase “apply to self” refers to.
A trivial, but instructive, example of “apply to self” is “This sentence is true,” because the sentence describes itself. A more useful example is, “Everything I do is stupid.” Since saying that sentence is one of the things that someone does, the sentence refers to itself, and therefore the sentence must also be stupid. Pointing this out can weaken or break the problematic generalization.
What happens in what Shawn is calling a “modal collapse” is that an unrecognized contradiction becomes apparent. “I should do it” presupposes that I can do it, while “I can’t do it” presupposes the opposite. By juxtaposing these two statements, the contradiction (“speak against”) becomes apparent, and something has to give. If there is good evidence that the “it” is not something I can actually do, the “should” vanishes. If the evidence is less robust, the contradiction can be resolved by reconsidering the “can’t” and exploring alternatives that I might actually be able to do.
I think the explanation above is a lot simpler and clearer than Shawn’s description: “The modals ‘can’t’ and ‘should’ exist in different ‘modal spaces’ (we will call them ‘frames’): ‘can’t’ generally inhabits either the epistemic (personal knowledge) frame, or the doxastic (personal beliefs, without knowledge) frame. ‘Should’ generally inhabits either the deontic (duty), or axiologic (cultural) frames. In any case for brevity I will only address the can’t modal here using the doxastic (belief) space.”
In volume II of my book, Six Blind Elephants, chapters 4, 5, & 6 go into much more detail about modal operators, self-reference, and self-contradiction and how to change them in useful ways.
Notice that Shawn uses the same word “collapse” to “apply to self” and “modal collapse (contradiction), ignoring the distinctions I have made above — and he also uses the same word to nesting experience (discussed in the first paragraph of this post). In earlier posts he uses “collapse” for both integration and chaining. There is a further possible alternative, combining two experiences into a hierarchy of relative importance.
Using the same word “collapse” for all these very different experiences, is like saying that Times Square is in North America. It’s not false, but failing to recognize the different kinds of “collapse” makes it impossible to do really elegant work that makes the smallest change necessary in order to get the client’s outcome.
P.S. I was pleased to see Shawn describe discussion of dopamine as a “red herring,” and then disappointed that he went on to discuss it as if it weren’t.
I think the finding that news of a loss results in a dopamine spike may be a result of the “gambler’s fallacy” in which a gambler believes (erroneously) that a loss on one round signals a greater probability of a win on the next one. If the news of a loss is immediately followed by an image of a future win, the latter, not the former, would be what actually elicits the dopamine spike. That would fit better with the overall finding that dopamine is released in response to an expectation of reward. Does anyone know a compulsive gambler they could model to explore this possibility? Even if it’s irrelevant to NLP change work, it’s an interesting puzzle.
Since Shawn describes the “Tree of life” process as not NLP, I won’t comment on that, except to respond to Shawn’s statement, “I find it to be the simplest model that captures any and all human experience.” It seems extremely unlikely to me that any simple model could do that.
Podcast 97: Start Your Own Happiness Project, a Deep Dive into Break-Ups, and a Sweatpants Demerit.
It’s time for the next installment of Happier with Gretchen Rubin.
We’re coming up on our Very VERY Special Episode — Episode 100! Hard to believe. For this episode, send us questions about anything, whether related to happiness or not. For instance, if you’ve wondered, “Why don’t Gretchen and Elizabeth ever have their parents come onto the show?” or “What was the brand of Gretchen’s hard-boiled egg-maker?” you can ask! (KRUPS, by the way.) Email us or call us at 774-277-9336.
To start the new year in a happier way, we’re doing a fun project on Instagram. Every day, for the month of January, Elizabeth and I will post a photo on Instagram of something that makes us happier (by giving us a boost, helping us stick to good habits, reminding us to feel grateful, etc.). Join in! Use the hashtag #Happier2017 and tag us — I’m @gretchenrubin and Elizabeth is @lizcraft.
Try This at Home: Start your own happiness project. I wrote about my own “happiness project” in my book, The Happiness Project.
My Twelve Personal Commandments are here.
Email me if you want to see my happiness-project chart. If you want to take a look at the The Happiness Project One-Sentence Journal: A Five Year Record, it’s here.
If you’re curious to see Eliza’s Squarespace site for her podcast Eliza Starting at 16, it’s here.
Happiness Hack: Jane says, “To deal with unloading the dryer, I tell myself I only have to fold five items. That gets me started.”
Deep Dive: How to survive a break-up. Our fellow podcaster, Andrea Silenzi of the great podcast Why Oh Why, is dealing with a break-up. We talked about it first in episode 93, and Andrea came onto the show to give us an update.
Demerit: Elizabeth gives herself a demerit for wearing sweatpants every day.
Gold Star: Our mother decorates beautifully for Christmas. It’s a lot of work, but it adds so much to the holiday, because it’s so festive.
Don’t forget: Elizabeth’s young-adult book Flower is ready for pre-order!
If you want easy instructions about how to rate or review the podcast, look here.
Remember, I’m doing weekly live videos on my Facebook Page to continue the conversation from the podcast — usually on Tuesdays at 3:00 pm ET. To join the conversation, check the schedule.
As always, thanks to our terrific sponsors
Check out Squarespace. Start building your website and get your free trial today. Go to Squarespace.com, and enter the offer code “happier” to get 10% off your first purchase.
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Want to know what to expect from other episodes of the podcast, when you listen to the award-winning “Happier with Gretchen Rubin?” We talk about how to build happier habits into everyday life, as we draw from cutting-edge science, ancient wisdom, lessons from pop culture—and our own experiences (and mistakes). We’re sisters, so we don’t let each other get away with much.
HAPPIER listening!
The post Podcast 97: Start Your Own Happiness Project, a Deep Dive into Break-Ups, and a Sweatpants Demerit. appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
Self Help Gurus etc
Bebe lost 65 pounds
Transformation of the Day: Bebe lost 65 pounds. This young lady had success with weight loss in the past, but after giving birth to her son in 2015, she pounds continued to pile on. She went back to what worked, reducing carbs and exercising, and has gotten great results. Check out her story. A little bit […]
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3 Quick Questions for a Simpler and Happier 2017
“New Year’s eve is like every other night; there is no pause in the march of the universe, no breathless moment of silence among created things that the passage of another twelve months may be noted; and yet no man has quite the same thoughts this evening that come with the coming of darkness on other nights”
Hamilton Wright Mabie
This year is coming to an end. Just a couple more days to go.
But before we step through that doorway I’d like to quickly share one last article with 3 of my favorite questions of all time that can help you shape 2017 into 365 days that will be simpler, happier and self-kinder.
Stay safe, enjoy your New Year’s celebration and see you next year!
1. Is this useful?
It’s very easy to spend a lot of time on things that do not really matter much. To spend hours, days or even weeks on being angry at someone, replaying a mistake or failure in one’s mind or to dwell on something negative and feeling more and more like a victim.
So I try to ask myself this question as often as I can to question and confront my own thoughts. To catch myself and to wake myself up when I get stuck in negative thought loops going round and round.
By doing so I:
- Suffer less.
- Waste less time on going round in circles.
- Spend more of my time on finding a practical solution.
2. What is one very small step I can take right now to get the ball rolling?
This is my favorite question for when I want to get started with something or if I want to get going again with something that have fallen to the side for some reason.
Because it makes things easier. Makes them feel lighter.
This question prevents me from trying to escape into procrastination and helps me to avoid the side-effects of that such as sinking self-esteem and simply a lot of time being wasted on trying to hide.
3. Will this matter in 5 years? Or even 5 weeks?
This one helps me to simplify.
To let go.
To not make a mountain out of a molehill.
To find the healthier and happier perspective.
To not lose my focus and energy to crippling worries.
To find a lightness in life where I do not have to carry around 5 tons of unnecessary mental baggage.
It is a truly wonderful question.
Self Help Gurus etc
Could a narcolepsy drug help combat food addiction?
Researchers found that a prescription drug used to treat narcolepsy reduced impulsivity in men, which is considered a driver of food addiction and obesity.
Tuesday, December 27, 2016
Why Your New Year’s Resolutions Will Fail – and How to Avoid It
You're reading Why Your New Year’s Resolutions Will Fail – and How to Avoid It, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you're enjoying this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.
Why New Year's Resolutions Fail
Stanford University's professor Baba Shiv conducted a very interesting experiment that will make you think. In his study, he took 165 students and divided them in two groups: one group had to memorize a 2-digit number, the other one had to memorize a 7-digit number. After memorizing the number, each student had to go to another room. But on their way to this room, they were offered a snack: they could choose between a chocolate cake or a bowl of fruit salad. You'll be surprised to know that those students who memorized the 7-digit number were almost twice as likely to take the chocolate cake. What does it mean? If you use your mind energies for something, you will have less willpower. Or to put it in another way: your brain energies are limited – and so it's your willpower. Think about it: what are you doing by choosing your new year's resolutions? You're basically asking your brain for a huge amount of willpower to carry different disciplines. The more resolutions you choose, the more willpower you will need...and the more likely you will interrupt your resolutions before reaching your goals. Now, it should be obvious what's the secret to stick to your new year's resolutions...What To Do To Stick With Your New Year's Resolutions
Given that the more resolutions you have, the more likely you are to fail...the less resolutions you have, the more likely you are to succeed. Which means that by having just one new year's resolution you have the highest chances of success. Now, you probably are wondering "if I can choose just one resolution, which one should I pick?" Of course, pick the most important one. The most important for you. It's the resolution that will have the highest positive impact on your life. But you don't have to stop there! In fact, there's something very useful that I want to share with you.How to Accomplish ALL of Your New Year's Resolutions
Your willpower is taxed by the adoption of new behaviours...but you don't really use it for certain old behaviours. Think of all the things that you do in your day: how many of these things take a good amount of willpower? Not many. The reason is that many of the things that you do during your day are habits. Habits are magical :-) Habits consume almost no brain energies. So, if you transform one of your resolutions into a habit, you are free to had a new resolution in your schedule. The way to do that is by sticking with one of your resolutions for about 21 continuous days (this is the average time that a new behaviour takes to become a habit...so know that this number may be a little different for you). After that time, your resolution will be a habit and you'll be free to start practicing a new resolution. The good old "one at a time". That's the secret to accomplish your resolutions – and so your best year ever.Want a Shortcut?
Do you want a shortcut? Maybe you're wondering "what if I carry two of my new year's resolutions at a time, instead of one? I can double my results!" No, it doesn't work like that. There's no shortcut. It isn't just what you read up to now in this article...it's also practical experience. Look, I've coached hundreds of people and I've seen a common pattern: no matter how smart/tough/determined you think you are, trying to establish more than one habit at a time is a surefire recipe for failure. It isn't because you are not enough, it's because life can be tricky: suppose that you have a hard day at work/university/family and this will consume a lot of your brain energies. You may still find some energy to keep one resolution...but if you have two resolutions you'll lose both of them. Now, think on how likely it is to have just ONE tough day in 21 days...it's very likely! Which means that the most of the time, you'll end up breaking your habit-forming cycle. And once you break it, you have to start from scratch...and 21 more days to go. Does this sound like a good plan? No way. Stick with one resolution at a time and you'll end up in a very good situation.Conclusion
Now, if all of this sounds good, I encourage you to start by implementing a good habit: reading a life-changing book, for just 10 minutes a day. It helped me transform my life and can do the same for you. You can come visit me for some great books to start with.You've read Why Your New Year’s Resolutions Will Fail – and How to Avoid It, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you've enjoyed this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.
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Rewind Your Achievements In 2017
The post Rewind Your Achievements In 2017 appeared first on Operation Self Reset.
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Detox Water: 30 Great Infused Water Recipes
Drink More Water! That is one of the pillars of weight loss and one of the top tips you’ll hear on your weight release journey. Why? Because cutting out soda, store bought juice and drinks that are full of processed sugar is key to weight loss and health. What is Detox Water? Detox Water is basically […]
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Spicy Shrimp and Bucatini Pasta with Kale from Blue Apron
This post is sponsored by Blue Apron. Every year around this time I find myself making the declaration that I ...
Dr. Di lost over 30 pounds
Transformation of the Day: Dr. Dianah Lake lost over 30 pounds and transformed her body. She is a mom of 2, an Emergency Medicine Physician and a NPC Figure Competitor. With focus and commitment, she changed her life and now she’s helping others do the same. Check out what she shared with us about her journey. Wow! I’ve […]
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5 Key Lifestyle Changes For Staying Sober During Recovery
You're reading 5 Key Lifestyle Changes For Staying Sober During Recovery, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you're enjoying this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.
Honesty
First thing’s first, you simply cannot truly get sober without being honest, sometimes brutally honest, about your addiction. You absolutely must be honest with yourself first. The fact that you have decide to change your life proves that you can do that, but along the road of recovery you may be tempted to say ‘oh, I can handle that’ or ‘just one sip won’t hurt’. That may be true, but if it’s not, don’t fool yourself. Be open and honest with yourself, but make sure to leave the judgement and pressure at bay. If you are really serious about sobriety, you’ll also need some kind of help. There’s no shame in it. In fact, getting help is the smart step to take. However, therapists, meetings, sponsors, and anyone else from whom you seek guidance cannot help you if you are not honest with them. It is understandable if you don’t wish to have your personal life become public news, but there are certain people, including yourself, that need to know the facts.Fitness
Before you decide to skip over this part, remember that getting exercise doesn’t have to mean that you’re at the gym 5 days a week doing all kinds of fancy combinations of cardio, weight training, and so on. There are so many fun and creative ways to incorporate fitness into your routine without it being a hassle, or feeling like a chore. Think sports, dancing, rowing, biking, hiking, anything that involves a little bit of physical exertion and an increased heart rate really. Working out, in its many forms, carries so many benefits beyond getting in shape and simply looking better. Many people have found that the naturally occurring high that you have when you get your blood pumping rivals the highs of drugs and alcohol, helping you stay sober.Budget
It’s hard to feel like you’re in control of your life or making progress when there are bills piling up and your financial status is shaky. So much of the stress that people face on a regular basis is money related, and when you’re a recovering addict situations will weigh on you that much more. So take control by budgeting. Get a job, calculate your earnings against expenditures and debts. Make sure that at some point you are able to save up towards certain goals. Try to stick to your budget so that you always have exactly how much you need. When the stress of a rocky financial status is lifted from your shoulders, you’ll have a few less reasons to reach for that drink.Healthy Diet
Let’s not kid ourselves here; while living a life of addiction, making healthy food choices probably was not at the top of your list of priorities. Addicts and alcoholics alike indulge in an alarming amount of sweet and savoury, processed foods. Often times, the only food you ate in a day was probably junk food. Addicts and alcoholics generally don’t care what goes in their body, drugs, alcohol, incredibly unhealthy foods, it’s all the same. When you’re in recovery, maintaining a fairly healthy diet will actually help strengthen your resolve to stay sober. Paying attention to the food you eat and making sure that it’s good for you will help reduce the chances of you deciding to just take a sip or try a hit.Gratitude
Chances are that you became an addict because you felt like there was always something missing, or you were very upset about various things and situations. You probably started using or continued using to try and make yourself or the situation feel better. By practicing gratitude, you reverse that thought process. Instead of focusing on things you’re not happy about, be mindful of the many blessings that you have the good fortune of receiving. When you start paying attention to the various little details of your day that you can be thankful for, you’ll probably find that life’s not all that terrible after all. You will probably find a new appreciation for the world, it’s all about perspective. These are all very simple things that don’t require too much effort, but for a former addict they can seem like massive lifestyle changes. The good news is that once you get started, and are able to feel the positive effects these changes have on you, it will be that much easier to stick to them. Not to mention, they will increase your quality of life so that you don’t have to feel like reaching for a bottle to feel better. At the end of the day, your recovery is the most important thing in your life. It’s okay to focus on yourself, because you’ll only be able to properly be a part of other people’s lives when you are doing well.You've read 5 Key Lifestyle Changes For Staying Sober During Recovery, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you've enjoyed this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.
Self Help Gurus etc
Monday, December 26, 2016
A Little Happier: How Do I Live Up to the Highest Ideals of My Country?
A Little Happier: How, in my own life, do I live up to the highest ideals of the United States?
Reading Harold Nicolson’s reflection about what an Englishman would do reminds me of that question, in my own life — which is a question for us all.
Here’s the entire passage that I read from Harold Nicolson’s Diary of June 10, 1941, when he was working at the wartime Ministry of Information:
The Middle East have no sense of publicity. The Admiralty is even worse. We complain that there are no photographs of the sinking of the Bismarck. Tripp says that the official photographer was in the Suffolk and that the Suffolk was too far away. We say, ‘But why didn’t one of our reconnaissance machines fly over the ship and take photographs?’ He replies, ‘Well you see, you must see, well upon my word, well after all, an Englishman would not like to take snapshots of a fine vessel sinking.’ Is he right? I felt abashed when he said it. I think he is right.
I’ve read that story dozens of times, and I choke up every time I read it. “An Englishman would not like to take snapshots of a fine vessel sinking.” What does that tell us about the English at that time, and their view of themselves, and their ideals — and how they felt compelled by those ideals, even under the most extreme conditions?
If you’d like to get the “Moment of Happiness,” my free daily email newsletter with a quotation about happiness or human nature, sign up here.
If you’d like to read my biography of Winston Churchill, Forty Ways to Look at Winston Churchill, you can learn more here. What a joy it as to write that book! What a subject.
Want to get in touch? I love hearing from listeners:
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Happier listening!
The post A Little Happier: How Do I Live Up to the Highest Ideals of My Country? appeared first on Gretchen Rubin.
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LIAM 302 – Know Your Value, Value it!
My dear friend, Leisa Peterson, and I had a phone call recently about the value of knowing our own value. Afterwards, we both wished we had recorded it, so we recreated the conversation for you. Knowing and owning your own value, personally and professionally, is the single most important thing you can do to take your life to higher levels of happiness and success. When you know your value, you will not let other people under-value you with disrespect or paying you too little. Knowing your value will bring much greater value to all of your relationships! Listen as I explain:
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- Join Bruce’s Mastermind Group
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The post LIAM 302 – Know Your Value, Value it! appeared first on Life Is A Marathon : Life Coaching | Self-Esteem | Personal Development | Personal Branding | Positive Thinking | Community.
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Deirdre lost 62 pounds
Transformation of the Day: Deirdre lost 62 pounds. Having been a frequent dieter in the past, she didn’t want to continue that cycle. When she took advantage for free one week gym pass, that was the start of what would become a true lifestyle change that has led to a love of fitness. At 52 years […]
Sunday, December 25, 2016
The Importance of Being Emotional
You're reading The Importance of Being Emotional, originally posted on Pick the Brain | Motivation and Self Improvement. If you're enjoying this, please visit our site for more inspirational articles.
Emotions are part of the decision-making process, want it or not
In 1994, a Professor of Neuroscience, Psychology and Philosophy at the University of Southern California— Antonio Damasio, came up with a rather stimulating theory, which he called The Somatic Marker Hypothesis (1994). It’s based on what some deem a revolutionary idea—that emotions are helpful and needed for us to make rational decisions, especially in situations when we must make a snap choice, or under high uncertainty. Generally, science tells us, when we attempt to reach a resolution, we rely on either cognition (reasoning, logic) or emotions. When we navigate in a complex environment, however, our cognitive capacity may reach its limit and overheat. In such situations, emotions are the one that take over and guide our decision-making process and our behavior. Emotions are not the same as feelings, though, prof. Damasio claims, although in everyday life, they are used synonymously. Emotions are signals in our bodies, as elevated pulse and heartrate, contracting muscles, for instance, which are sent to our brains for interpretation, and based on past stored information in our minds, we experience the subsequent feeling (fear). In this sense, feelings actually follow emotions. What’s rather intriguing, however, is that prof. Damasio’s research is based on observation of patients with damage to the frontal part of the brain, responsible for emotions (called ventromedial prefrontal cortex, VMPFC). Such individuals, although many high in intelligence, had serious problems functioning normally in their everyday lives. They couldn’t make good and suitable decisions, especially when it came to avoiding risks—a condition, which adversely affected their finances and relationships and many other aspects of their lives. Therefore, it appears that emotions are not the bad influencer in our reasoning process. On the contrary, they are the ones, which let us to make the right choices, to distinguish between good and bad (not only in the abstract), and help us accumulate wisdom over time, which comes from “cultivating knowledge about how our emotions behaved and what we learned from it.”Acting out “on emotion”
Thin-slicing is a term, which was popularized by Malcolm Gladwell in his book “Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking” in 2005. But the original idea goes back to 1992 when two professors of psychology—Nalini Ambady and Robert Rosenthal published a paper, documenting how quick observations—usually under 5 minutes (some of the later tests were done for 2,5 or 10 seconds), yielded high-accuracy outcomes. That is, higher than 50%-- the rate, which can be attributed to chance. Such “predictions” or opinions about the characters of people we meet, are not necessarily logical. They are based on our “intuition” and cues we read about others—mostly visual, as gesture, posture, facial expressions. But the “thin slicing,” or the limited and fast evaluations we draw on others, has been shown to correctly reveal information about their personality, sexuality, inner states and moral behaviors (as confidence, honestly, professionalism or optimism). The technique has been recognized to work in various settings and circumstances—from first impressions, to speed-dating, to the choices, which medical professionals, firefighters, policemen have to make in splits of a second. Labelled “gut feelings” or “sixth sense,” the phenomenon confirms what each of us largely suspects to be true—that our “feeling”-side of the brain is more important that just as a manifestation of our artisticity. It is actually a snap compass to aid us in navigating in the world, in getting to know others, or in making on-the-spot decisions when needed. All this, with a scarily great dose of accuracy too. Not bad for a mushy inner sensation, which generally contradicts all the logic and cognition we frequently equate with the great decision-making—the ones that are supposed to leads us to success and riches.Warmth vs Strength
Harvard Professor Amy Cuddy, along with fellows Susan Fiske and Peter Glick, has pondered on this question for a while—that is, to be a good leader, should one come across as warm, empathetic, humane, or as competent, authoritative and perhaps even cold? When we meet people for the first time. prof. Cuddy claims, there are two things that we quickly weigh on—can we trust the person and can we respect them? The former is the so-called “warmth” dimension, while the latter is linked to competence. And although many of us consider that gaining others’ respect is the first step for a new leader to establish authority, it’s not quite the case. The most important thing in relationships, including business, is to build trust. It is warmth, not competence that does this. Warmth, prof. Cuddy tells us, can be demonstrated as being empathetic, understanding, listening to others, or smiling. Hence, it is based on creating a personal and emotional connection to others. To be a successful leader, a person must ensure that they come across as warm first before they demonstrate their competence. “If someone you're trying to influence doesn't trust you, you're not going to get very far; in fact, you might even elicit suspicion because you come across as manipulative,” prof. Cuddy elaborates. Therefore, to thrive best in our personal and professional arenas, we should become more “feeling” individuals, rather than less. Being temperamental and sentimental are not signs of weakness but of smarts; it means we are perceptive enough to realize that showing emotions and warmth toward others is the right path to building trust and lasting connections, and is also an integral part of being a role model others want to follow. So, next time, when faced with a big decision to make, or have a “feeling” about someone you just met, or if you want to earn respect from colleagues and friends, just remember—don’t try to reign in your emotions. Instead, feel away, I tell myself every day now.Evelyn Marinoff is a Canadian, currently living in Dublin, Ireland. I am a blogger, a social introvert, an MBA, a passionate reader and a writer in the making. I hold a degree in Finance and Marketing, and I spend my free time reading, writing and researching new and intriguing ideas in psychology, leadership, well-being and self-improvement. You can also find her on Twitter at @Evelyn_Marinoff, or read her blog at mind-chatters.com
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